Perseverance and Grace, part one

Perseverance

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Hebrews 12:1 NIV

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:4 NIV

I have taken forever to get out the rest of my story. I know I have. And I wish it had been faster, but this has been one act of obedience that has challenged me more than anything else ever has. And I love to challenge myself. When you challenge yourself, it's great and you learn and grow and all that. But when God challenges you? Woah. Not quite the same thing. When you challenge yourself, you are usually up to the challenge from the start. When God calls you to a challenge, that's not often the case. There have been so many moments throughout this journey when I cried out to God to take this "challenge" from my plate. I didn't feel qualified or strong enough or capable. I take pride in the fact that God gifted me with the spiritual gift of perseverance from a young age. I rarely meet a challenge I don't accept and see through to the end. This applies to everyday life challenges and ones of a more spiritual nature. What I'm quickly starting to realize though is, that even though perseverance is a wonderful trait to have, without grace, it's rendered purposeless. Perseverance without grace comes across as judgy and arrogant. When God calls us through a painful season, He has purpose in mind for it all. For me, it was to teach me to accept and give His grace more freely. Before this last year of my journey, receiving grace was hard for me to do. I guess I saw it as admitting weakness and I loved to think of myself as strong. (Still do!) As a result of not accepting God's grace, I didn't have it to give to others. I came across as judgy and arrogant to so many people. My perspective was more or less well if I can do it, why can't you? Everyone around me needed to get it together and try harder. I even viewed my husband in this light. I was hypercritical and condescending and I didn't even realize it.

Before I get too far into my takeaways, let me jump straight into where I left off before. I think I left off with Thanksgiving a year ago (2015). I had just endured a tubal repair surgery as a result of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The days and weeks following that surgery were unbelievably sad for me. I had so much to mourn. This made two pregnancies, half of my reproductive tract, and the vast majority of hope that I ever had of becoming a mother to my own biological children that I had lost. I knew God wanted me to mourn these losses. Up until this point, I confused all my pain and expressed most of it through anger, which was a stumble on my behalf for sure. Right around this time, through prayer, I realized anger wasn't what I should be feeling, but sadness. So I gave myself permission to be sad. David and I had a vacation to Aruba glowing brightly on our increasingly dimming horizon and that vacation pulled me through those dark weeks and months that followed. It felt so good to go on an adventure with my best friend. We snorkeled gorgeous reefs. We explored the dessert land, rocky shorelines, state parks, and natural pools in a Jeep with the top off. We ate the most amazing food. (If you know me, you know good food is one of my passions.) We spent our days in perfect solitude with one another. Our Quality Time "love tanks" were so full on the flight back home (Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages).

When we arrived home, I still had a week left of my break from work so we spent some time with family before we had to jump back into our painful reality. But jump back in we did! We still had two months or so to wait before we could start TTC again. During this time, I cried out to God to answer a certain prayer. I wanted to know what our next steps would be in the event we couldn't conceive naturally. I prayed about adoption and I prayed about scheduling an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist and heading down the path to IVF. I prayed about each option specifically for weeks on end. Listening and feeling with so much intention for God to show me which path would be mine. I heard silence in response. I felt myself growing angry again. More frustrated than anything. Finally, one evening in March while in the shower, I felt God speak to me. He told me there was a third option. The reason I hadn't felt peace about either option was because He hadn't intended for me to choose either. I can't explain the emotion other than it was a thought that entered my head that I knew was not my own. Continue waiting on Me. Wait. This wait was part of my story? I knew in that moment that God loved me with a perfect love and that He would use this wait to mold me and perfect His power. This answer to prayer completely transformed my heart, my mind, my perspective, and my faith. It was a complete and total turning point for me. Little by little, I began to find joy in my life again. That joy was centered in and around the people in my life. Although it took me quite a while praying, searching, listening, and learning to understand the lessons God would have me learn as a result. (More on that later.)

My doctor had scheduled a hysterosalpingogram or HSG test at the end of the three months, which was scheduled for early March, soon after this turning point in my faith. This test is performed in radiology at the hospital and uses dye to show whether fallopian tubes are blocked or open. My doctor told me to expect my right tube to be sealed shut, and that she was looking to confirm my left tube was still operating normally. This test is super painful for a few seconds, but then shows immediate results. I had recently adopted the spiritual practice of focusing on blessings rather than on losses. I'm here to tell you that practice will change your perspective for the better. Rather than dwell on my broken tube, I rejoiced and felt so grateful that I still had one typically operating tube. Praise God! Only one is needed to conceive a child! Nurses and friends who had had the same procedure told me that the test has been known to "clear the pipes," so-to-speak, and increase chances for conception immediately following. I can clearly recall each tiny moment God used to renew my hope. This was one of them. I was finally excited to get back on this crazy rollercoaster ride. Just weeks prior, I had dreaded it like the plague. I knew God wanted me to become a mother and He intended for it to happen naturally. I knew He still had so much to teach me about patience and faith, and hope in Him. 

With renewed hope, David and I tried hard that first month back in the saddle. Disappointingly, my cycle ended early with AF coming on day 18, which made absolutely zero sense. Continuing my practice of rejoicing rather than complaining, I thanked God for another opportunity in the next month rather than a longer than usual cycle and more waiting. 

April 2016

Second month back in the saddle. David and I were still feeling super hopeful and tried hard yet again. At the end of my TWW (or luteal phase), I noticed my temperature had not dropped back down below the cover line on my chart. I felt hopeful, but decided to wait a day before testing to see if AF showed up. I worked that day, which helped keep my mind occupied. That evening, I still hadn't started my period so I caved and took a test. It was positive y'all! I cannot express to you the excitement I felt in that moment. It was a moment of renewed hope like none other. I excitedly told David before we went to bed that night. And although he was happy to hear the news, he really stifled his excitement out of fear of another loss. I couldn't blame him, but I sure wished he had been able to share in my own excitement. We waited patiently as the weeks ticked by, thanking God for every single day with this new life developing inside of me. We told our news to just a few people we knew would be in diligent prayer on our behalf. We celebrated our TEN YEAR anniversary by visiting Lake Burton and enjoying a delicious picnic dinner at our wedding venue (a sweet surprise from David) on our way up to Charlotte to visit with David's sister. We had a wonderful weekend together. Our first ultrasound was scheduled for Monday, May 9th. The day after Mother's Day. I really wanted to share our news with our mothers on Mother's Day so I made a quick last-minute plan to have them both to Athens that weekend and when they confirmed they were able to come, I called my doctor to move up my scan by a few days. I honestly, had been a little bit scared to make these plans any sooner, for obvious reasons, but now I had a plan in place and it was exciting. By Tuesday of Mother's Day week, I had moved my scan to Thursday and had plans to have my mother in town Friday and Saturday and David's mother in town Saturday and Sunday. I would tuck a copy of our scan into their Mother's Day cards and share our exciting news. Sadly, those plans never came to be. Tuesday afternoon, I began to spot. Wednesday morning, it was a bit worse and I called my doctor. They asked me to come in right away. This required me to tell a few trusted ladies at work so they could help cover my classroom for an hour or so. The ultrasound tech confirmed our greatest fear. We were losing another sweet baby. As devastating as this was, I was so grateful that God gave me strength to continue my spirit of gratitude and praise. I called and told my mother immediately and she stuck with her plans to come visit. Although, instead of me celebrating her, she ended up accompanying me to the hospital for a D & C and spending the weekend caring for me physically and emotionally in the way only a mother can. By Saturday, I was feeling a bit better physically and still wanted to try and adequately show my mom how much I love and appreciate her, so we decided to go see a movie together- Mothers and Daughters. It was good quality time with my mom. I appreciated her love in a whole new way that weekend. You don't fully appreciate the vastness of your mother's love for you until you've felt that kind of love for yourself. Most people consider it immeasurable. When you lose a child, you're able to measure it in tears and heartache. The pain is gripping down to your very core. I was so glad to have my mom with me during that. Surprisingly, I healed physically and emotionally pretty quickly following that miscarriage. I knew my God was with me and He had confirmed that a natural pregnancy was possible following the loss of my right tube. As painful as it was to endure, I was more grateful for that miscarriage than anything else and I didn't hate that it happened. I knew in my heart that it was part of my story and just wasn't the right time. I needed to continue waiting. So I did. 

Summer 2016

The school year wrapped up, I said goodbye to my students for the summer, and I began a new journey -grad school! -and continued the spiritual journey I was already on. I kept myself really busy that summer. Between grad school assignments, spending time with God, and starting my blog, I had filled most of my days with good and meaningful work. David was a bit confused, as he is used to having more of my time over the summer. I tried to ensure I was giving him the time he needed, but I was on this spiritual journey that was transforming my heart and I knew would make me a better wife. (I had been a pretty terrible one lately.) He was so patient with me. He listened closely as I read aloud my (lengthy) blog posts, shared scriptures, and chatted on and on about grad school. His business was growing quickly and he was experiencing his busiest summer to-date and had a lot he wanted to share with me as well. He tried, but he could tell I wasn't listening as closely as he'd hoped I would. I was distracted. So what was God doing in my heart during all this? He was teaching me about His grace- how to give and receive it. A lesson that was completely new to me. Stay tuned for part two of Perseverance and Grace. 

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5: 1-5 NIV

The Perfect Love Story

  *Update: I wrote this portion of my next post back in the early fall. Shortly after my last installments. Work and school quickly took over my life before I could adequately edit and publish it in that moment. Here I am, five months later, with more words to write than I can keep track of. I thought this was still pretty relevant stuff so I thought I would quickly edit and post it before beginning my next posts. Hopefully they will come quickly. I'm not sure how many people I expect, or even want, to read these posts. That's a humbling thing to think about, but I do know that I still have a lot I want to share with you. If you've read up to this point, please continue reading. And I hope you feel loved and encouraged in a fresh sort of way.      

"God loves each of us as if there were only one of us."

-Saint Augustine of Hippo

          How many of you have found your perfect love story? There's a blessed group of us (myself included) who will quickly raise their hands in response to this question. I've most certainly found the one whom my soul desires and whom I believe God desires for me. Many of you can say the same thing, while others of you are still waiting for that one person to cross your path and declare his/her love for you. Waiting is so hard. Despite not having to wait long to find David, I do know what it feels like to wait for something you desire wholeheartedly, while having little to no control over the timing of it coming to be. And to those of you who, like me, have found your happily ever after, what if I asked you to think about your very worst day together as a couple? What if I asked you to recall the first day you realized your happily ever after wasn't always going to be happy? Remember that time you did or said something you never imagined yourself doing or saying? You know, that really hurtful thing you did that you are so ashamed of? (My intentions are not to illicit feelings of guilt or shame in you- quite the opposite actually. Stay with me.) We've all been there. Would you call it perfect then?

          I started thinking about love stories today when I heard a Taylor Swift song come on Pandora. It's actually the Taylor Swift station on Pandora with some variety thrown in. I've tossed together T. Swizzle with the likes of The Black Keys, Kid Cudi, and Macklemore. Unashamed. (Oh hush, I have a wonderful praise and worship station too and I find Macklemore's lyrics very spiritually encouraging.) Anyhoozers, I happen to highly respect Ms. Swift as a songwriter. I listen to her station almost every single day and today, I heard an older song of hers, one I've heard a thousand times and isn't even one of my favorites. Today, I heard this particular song with a completely new set of ears. The song is called "You Belong With Me," the theme of which is clearly teenage romance. The line that caught my attention and turned my new ears on was "Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time." God? Is that You? Then the chorus: "If you can see that I'm the one who understands you. Been here all along so why can't you see? You belong with me. You belong with me." That's when it hit me. David is my amazing and special husband and I am so thankful for our incredible love story. However, as wonderful as it may be, it is by no means perfect. Listening to this Taylor Swift song, which, ironically, is about high school love, really tuned my heart into something beautiful. I AM a part of the perfect love story. And so are you!

            Taytay Swift loves writing songs about love stories, as do countless other singer/songwriters. Being a part of a storybook, fairytale romance is something we all crave for ourselves. If it wasn't there wouldn't be such an incredible demand for songs like these, or movies, or books. Whether we have real-life experiences to connect them to or not, we love placing ourselves in these stories as a character, and from incredibly young ages, we dream about being swept off our feet or about being the one doing all the sweeping. It's like it's a part of our genetic code. That's no coincidence. I believe God designed us to love and be loved.

           Growing up going to church and spending time around other Christians, I heard the phrase "God loves you" more times than I can count. It got off with a bang in my childhood inside the four walls of the church we attended. We'd hold vacation bible schools and invite neighborhood children. We'd sing hymns to the church's neighbors at Halloween instead of trick-or-treating, all the while including so many utterances of "God loves you" and "Jesus loves you." It was so fun, and we loved to hold our heads high as we shared with our "worldly" friends why we didn't buy Halloween costumes. (Actually, I think my siblings and I were the only children in that church with any worldly friends. We were the only family in the entire church who didn't homeschool. Not only did we not homeschool, we attended public schools (gasp!). That whole dynamic left a pretty lasting impression on me as a kid, but I digress...) During my high school years, my parents began experiencing some marital difficulties and during the stress of that season, my mom found it difficult to get us to church every Sunday. (I find it difficult to get myself to church every Sunday, so I can't blame her.) Most of the families that attended our tiny, missions-centered church were amazing examples of loving and serving others. However, during the time our attendance was less than perfect, I began noticing a shift in how my siblings and I were treated by the youth leaders, a married couple who were kind of new to the church. I can't recall many exact details at this point, but I just remember this very awful and shameful feeling of being seen as "less than" because of my spotty attendance. Like my worth as a Christian was dependent on my church attendance record. Being of European decent, I admit I don't experience discrimination based on something outside my control very often. Although as a woman, I can say that I've felt the sting of oppression a bit more often than a white man, for instance, but nevertheless, it happens to me some but far less often than it does to so many others. I did get a good taste of it during that church experience and it hurt me to the point that I no longer wanted to attend. Feeling "less than" hurts in a lasting sort of way. The longer I'm alive on this earth, the more I witness different forms of hate, bigotry, and oppression, and it breaks my heart. What breaks my heart even more though is realizing that I am just as guilty of making others feel this way as anyone else. During the last few months of my story, I've learned some very important lessons about faith and what it means to be a Christian. Now that I know what I know, I've felt a deep sense of obligation to share my knowledge with others. I'm no expert and surely have so much more to learn, but before I share what I have learned, I want to talk for a minute about how God loves us.

           "God loves you" is just one of the many grossly overused clichés of the Christian community, and by "overused," I mean used without the critical follow up of actions. I can almost hear a chorus of non-believers shouting in unison, "but how do we know that God loves us?" Without actions, words are just words. If you don't see words in action, they'll begin to lose their meaning, or worse, their meaning will never be constructed. (Anyone else hearing a certain other cliché right about now, or is that just me?) So how do we know that God loves us with a perfect love? The apostle John, an eyewitness to and trusted disciple of Jesus while He walked this Earth, spent the rest of his life teaching other Christians about God's love and, not how we ought to live, but how we are "commanded" to live as a testament of the perfect love we have received through Christ. In his gospel, John describes the final moments he spends with Jesus before the crucifixion when they all sit down together for the Last Supper. During these precious final moments here on Earth, Jesus tells His disciples, "So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other." (John 13:34, NLT)

          Now let's pause for a moment and talk about the depth of that commandment. These disciples experienced firsthand and in the flesh the perfect love that all human beings crave. They experienced firsthand the love of Jesus. Jesus knew this when He said the words. He knew His disciples would fully understand what this commandment meant, and still means to us today. We all have our own definitions of what a perfect love would look and feel like for us (and we often mistakenly place a heavy burden of expectations for receiving this love on our spouses and loved ones), but the Bible describes perfect love like this: 

       

         "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NLT) 

         Every single one of us have people in our lives that we love, and love dearly. But do you love like this? Are you never rude? Never irritable? Always kind? I know I'm not. I am so very far from perfect and was reminded of this fact daily over the last two years of my story. The truth is, despite being commanded to, as sinners we are incapable of this kind of love all the time. We need God's love and mercy every moment we are breathing oxygen into our lungs. We are to love Him first and feel the steadfastness of His love for us. When we make the choice to claim His law for our life, we are made more capable of this kind of love and are instructed to share it with others. Before I finish the last part of my story, I want to take a moment to address other believers for a minute. (If you are a nonbeliever, I am so glad you are reading and don't want you to stop now, so I'll try to make this quick.)

        Fellow Christians, as a blessed people who claims to love God, we are failing miserably in loving one another as Christ loves us. I am bewildered and heartbroken over the current divisiveness that exists in our country, a country founded on the moral guidelines of scripture. One nation under God. Indivisible. With liberty and JUSTICE FOR ALL. Being a teacher, I stand with my students every single day and we pledge our allegiance to The United States of America. One nation, under God. God over country. Does anyone else see any inconsistencies with our nation's pledge of allegiance and the actual state of our country? We were founded as a country ALL people could claim to escape persecution and oppression, but over the last 240 years, we have become a nation of people who judge and criticize each other before making any efforts to create opportunities for connection. We hide behind our computer screens and almost flippantly announce on our Facebook status that "our prayers are with" those who are suffering, never stopping to get off our tails and show our faces to ask how we can actually help those who suffer. Ironically, I see more oppression going on inside the Christian community than outside and as a result, Christians are leaving the church at an alarming rate and our country, our world, is suffering because of it. We need to get ourselves back on track. Ask yourself this question: why did I become a Christian? If you are like me, you're answer has something to do with wanting to spend eternity in Heaven with Jesus. Doesn't everybody want to live for all of eternity in paradise? Sure! But how do we get there? I'm reminded of a bible story when I think of this question. The story I'm thinking of is The Parable of the Good Samaritan and you can find it in Luke, chapter 10, verses 25-37. If you've never read it, stop reading this and go read that. It's eternally more important than what I have to say here. If you have read it, pause for a second and go read it again. You can even click here to read it. (Love that internet!) At the beginning of this story, scripture says "an expert in religious law" asks this exact question to Jesus to "test Him." He says, "Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus refers him back to the original law of Moses which is first to "love the Lord your God with all your heart" and then, equally as important, "love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:37-39) The way the religious expert replies to this is so representative of the way most Christians, and all people really, live their life. He says, "And who is my neighbor?" He immediately wanted to know who wasn't included. Who could he get away with not loving? Jesus replied with the story of the Good Samaritan and concluded with a question followed by the best mic-drop moment. He asked the religious expert who he would say was a neighbor to the man attacked by bandits. The man replied, "the one who showed him mercy." Jesus replied, "yes, now go and do the same." [drops mic]

Are we, as Christians, really following this command? I, personally, am doing a terrible job.  It's okay to admit that you might be too. I know a lot of amazing and strong people who are actually doing a fabulous job, and maybe you are one of them and let me be the first to congratulate you and say WELL DONE. Keep doing your good work of showing other Christians how to live life singing God's love, grace, and mercy. Singing it for EVERY NEIGHBOR. Not just those who mirror our same neighborhood, life goals, or skin color. I'm going to spend the next few posts trying to adequately describe for you how God used the precious gift of infertility to retune my heart to sing His love, grace, and mercy. It has been a wild ride and has left me permanently scarred and forever grateful. Grateful for a love everlasting. The perfect love story that will endure for all of eternity.