Perseverance
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12:1 NIV
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:4 NIV
I have taken forever to get out
the rest of my story. I know I have. And I wish it had been faster, but this
has been one act of obedience that has challenged me more than anything else
ever has. And I love to challenge myself. When you challenge yourself, it's great and you
learn and grow and all that. But when God challenges you? Woah. Not quite the
same thing. When you challenge yourself, you are usually up to the challenge
from the start. When God calls you to a challenge, that's not often the case. There
have been so many moments throughout this journey when I cried out to God to
take this "challenge" from my plate. I didn't feel qualified or
strong enough or capable. I take pride in the fact that God
gifted me with the spiritual gift of perseverance from a young age. I rarely
meet a challenge I don't accept and see through to the end. This applies to
everyday life challenges and ones of a more spiritual nature. What I'm quickly
starting to realize though is, that even though perseverance is a wonderful trait
to have, without grace, it's rendered purposeless. Perseverance without grace
comes across as judgy and arrogant. When God calls us through a painful season,
He has purpose in mind for it all. For me, it was to teach me to accept and
give His grace more freely. Before this last year of my journey, receiving
grace was hard for me to do. I guess I saw it as admitting weakness and I loved
to think of myself as strong. (Still do!) As a result of not accepting God's
grace, I didn't have it to
give to others. I came across as judgy and arrogant to so many people. My
perspective was more or less well
if I can do it, why can't you? Everyone
around me needed to get it together and try harder. I even viewed my husband in
this light. I was hypercritical and condescending and I didn't even realize it.
Before I get too far into my takeaways, let me jump straight into where I left off before. I think I left off with Thanksgiving a year ago (2015). I had just endured a tubal repair surgery as a result of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The days and weeks following that surgery were unbelievably sad for me. I had so much to mourn. This made two pregnancies, half of my reproductive tract, and the vast majority of hope that I ever had of becoming a mother to my own biological children that I had lost. I knew God wanted me to mourn these losses. Up until this point, I confused all my pain and expressed most of it through anger, which was a stumble on my behalf for sure. Right around this time, through prayer, I realized anger wasn't what I should be feeling, but sadness. So I gave myself permission to be sad. David and I had a vacation to Aruba glowing brightly on our increasingly dimming horizon and that vacation pulled me through those dark weeks and months that followed. It felt so good to go on an adventure with my best friend. We snorkeled gorgeous reefs. We explored the dessert land, rocky shorelines, state parks, and natural pools in a Jeep with the top off. We ate the most amazing food. (If you know me, you know good food is one of my passions.) We spent our days in perfect solitude with one another. Our Quality Time "love tanks" were so full on the flight back home (Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages).
When we arrived home, I still
had a week left of my break from work so we spent some time with family before
we had to jump back into our painful reality. But jump back in we did! We still
had two months or so to wait before we could start TTC again. During this time,
I cried out to God to answer a certain prayer. I wanted to know what our next
steps would be in the event we couldn't conceive naturally. I prayed about
adoption and I prayed about scheduling an appointment with the reproductive
endocrinologist and heading down the path to IVF. I prayed about each option
specifically for weeks on end. Listening and feeling with so much intention for
God to show me which path would be mine. I heard silence in response. I felt
myself growing angry again. More frustrated than anything. Finally, one evening
in March while in the shower, I felt God speak to me. He told me there was a
third option. The reason I hadn't felt peace about either option was because He
hadn't intended for me to choose either. I can't explain the emotion other than
it was a thought that entered my head that I knew was not my own. Continue waiting on Me. Wait. This wait was part of my story? I knew in that
moment that God loved me with a perfect love and that He would use this wait to
mold me and perfect His power. This answer to prayer completely transformed my
heart, my mind, my perspective, and my faith. It was a complete and total
turning point for me. Little by little, I began to find joy in my life again.
That joy was centered in and around the people in my life. Although it took me
quite a while praying, searching, listening, and learning to understand the
lessons God would have me learn as a result. (More on that later.)
My doctor had scheduled a hysterosalpingogram or HSG test at the end of the
three months, which was scheduled for early March, soon after this turning
point in my faith. This test is performed in radiology at the hospital and uses
dye to show whether fallopian tubes are blocked or open. My doctor told me to
expect my right tube to be sealed shut, and that she was looking to confirm my
left tube was still operating normally. This test is super painful for a few
seconds, but then shows immediate results. I had recently adopted the spiritual
practice of focusing on blessings rather than on losses. I'm here to tell you
that practice will change your perspective for the better. Rather than dwell on
my broken tube, I rejoiced and felt so grateful that I still had one typically
operating tube. Praise God! Only one is needed to conceive a child! Nurses and
friends who had had the same procedure told me that the test has been known to
"clear the pipes," so-to-speak, and increase chances for conception
immediately following. I can clearly recall each tiny moment God used to renew
my hope. This was one of them. I was finally excited to get back on this crazy
rollercoaster ride. Just weeks prior, I had dreaded it like the plague. I knew
God wanted me to become a mother and He intended for it to happen naturally. I
knew He still had so much to teach me about patience and faith, and hope in
Him.
With renewed
hope, David and I tried hard that first month back in the saddle.
Disappointingly, my cycle ended early with AF coming on day 18, which made
absolutely zero sense. Continuing my practice of rejoicing rather than
complaining, I thanked God for another opportunity in the next month rather
than a longer than usual cycle and more waiting.
April 2016
Second month
back in the saddle. David and I were still feeling super hopeful and tried hard
yet again. At the end of my TWW (or luteal phase), I noticed my temperature had
not dropped back down below the cover line on my chart. I felt hopeful, but
decided to wait a day before testing to see if AF showed up. I worked that day,
which helped keep my mind occupied. That evening, I still hadn't started my
period so I caved and took a test. It was positive y'all! I cannot express to
you the excitement I felt in that moment. It was a moment of renewed hope like
none other. I excitedly told David before we went to bed that night. And
although he was happy to hear the news, he really stifled his excitement out of
fear of another loss. I couldn't blame him, but I sure wished he had been able
to share in my own excitement. We waited patiently as the weeks ticked by,
thanking God for every single day with this new life developing inside of me.
We told our news to just a few people we knew would be in diligent prayer on our
behalf. We celebrated our TEN YEAR anniversary by visiting Lake Burton and
enjoying a delicious picnic dinner at our wedding venue (a sweet surprise from
David) on our way up to Charlotte to visit with David's sister. We had a
wonderful weekend together. Our first ultrasound was scheduled for Monday, May
9th. The day after Mother's Day. I really wanted to share our news with our
mothers on Mother's Day so I made a quick last-minute plan to have them both to
Athens that weekend and when they confirmed they were able to come, I called my
doctor to move up my scan by a few days. I honestly, had been a little bit
scared to make these plans any sooner, for obvious reasons, but now I had a
plan in place and it was exciting. By Tuesday of Mother's Day week, I had moved
my scan to Thursday and had plans to have my mother in town Friday and Saturday
and David's mother in town Saturday and Sunday. I would tuck a copy of our scan
into their Mother's Day cards and share our exciting news. Sadly, those plans
never came to be. Tuesday afternoon, I began to spot. Wednesday morning, it was
a bit worse and I called my doctor. They asked me to come in right away. This
required me to tell a few trusted ladies at work so they could help cover
my classroom for an hour or so. The ultrasound tech confirmed our greatest
fear. We were losing another sweet baby. As devastating as this was, I was so
grateful that God gave me strength to continue my spirit of gratitude and
praise. I called and told my mother immediately and she stuck with her plans to
come visit. Although, instead of me celebrating her, she ended up accompanying me to the hospital for a D & C and spending the
weekend caring for me physically and emotionally in the way only a mother can. By Saturday,
I was feeling a bit better physically and still wanted to try and adequately show my mom how much I love and appreciate her, so we decided to go see a movie together- Mothers
and Daughters. It was good quality time with my mom. I appreciated her love in
a whole new way that weekend. You don't fully appreciate the vastness of
your mother's love for you until you've felt that kind of love for yourself.
Most people consider it immeasurable. When you lose a child, you're able to
measure it in tears and heartache. The pain is gripping down to your very core.
I was so glad to have my mom with me during that. Surprisingly, I healed
physically and emotionally pretty quickly following that miscarriage. I
knew my God was with me and He had confirmed that a natural pregnancy was
possible following the loss of my right tube. As painful as it was to endure, I
was more grateful for that miscarriage than anything else and I didn't hate that it
happened. I knew in my heart that it was part of my story and just wasn't the
right time. I needed to continue waiting. So I did.
Summer 2016
The school year
wrapped up, I said goodbye to my students for the summer, and I began a new
journey -grad school! -and continued the spiritual journey I was already on. I
kept myself really busy that summer. Between grad school assignments, spending
time with God, and starting my blog, I had filled most of my days with good and
meaningful work. David was a bit confused, as he is used to having more of my
time over the summer. I tried to ensure I was giving him the time he needed,
but I was on this spiritual journey that was transforming my heart and I knew
would make me a better wife. (I had been a pretty terrible one lately.) He was
so patient with me. He listened closely as I read aloud my (lengthy) blog
posts, shared scriptures, and chatted on and on about grad school. His business
was growing quickly and he was experiencing his busiest summer to-date and had
a lot he wanted to share with me as well. He tried, but he could tell I wasn't
listening as closely as he'd hoped I would. I was distracted. So what was God
doing in my heart during all this? He was teaching me about His grace- how to
give and receive it. A lesson that was completely new to me. Stay tuned for
part two of Perseverance and Grace.
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Romans 5: 1-5 NIV
No comments:
Post a Comment