Perseverance and Grace, part two

Grace

I could, and probably will at some point, write so many posts about this subject. The last year has brought about so many lessons for me and almost every single one has been centered on Grace. As a teacher, when I first introduce a new lesson to my class, I start with teaching them the background information. This includes new vocabulary and definitions, examples of the concept playing out, etc. All this information is great and useful, but won’t stick long-term unless I give them plenty of opportunities to apply this information to authentic, meaningful situations. From my most recent experiences, this is exactly how God teaches lessons too. Last summer, I spent so much time in the Word and reading book after book that I know God placed directly into my hands. Literally, every single day, I was taught new vocabulary, definitions, and shown examples of God’s grace- personal, real stories of people learning to receive it and to give it freely to others in return. I knew instinctively that God was trying to teach me something. The first lesson? That I had a lot to learn when it came to receiving God’s grace. My life had seriously been pretty easy for me so far. Don’t get me wrong. I am by no means discounting or minimizing the struggles David and I have endured throughout our marriage. However, none of them actually brought me down to my knees and cause me to throw up my hands and admit, “I can’t do this without you, Lord!” This journey to becoming a mom has done exactly that. That is what accepting God’s grace is all about. I can’t do any of this without His help. As strong, capable, determined, (and prideful) as I am, this life is too messy and painful to do alone.

I’m going to skip some stuff. Maybe I’ll go back to it later. I learned so much about grace over the summer (and continue to) that I cannot possibly put it all down here in one post. A new school year started in August, along with my second semester in grad school, and PLENTY (and I mean plenty) of opportunities to APPLY WHAT I HAD LEARNED ABOUT GRACE. Receiving it that is. This school year has been one of the most grueling, mentally and emotionally demanding school years I hope I ever have to endure. Holy crap, y’all. I come home most days completely wrung out. I leave it all on the field every single day. I have a much too large class, which is unfortunate because as far as classes go, they have been a needier than usual bunch. Many of them need my personal, one-on-one attention and with 24 of them and just one of me, I am just unable to provide that. Lord knows, I try though. Then I come home and have time consuming grad school assignments to complete and turn in and I just don’t have any free time anymore. Like ever. I stay up working until past my bedtime most nights, finishing most weeks feeling so behind and exhausted. I spend Friday nights sleeping, Saturdays with David (if we’re lucky), and Sundays working my butt off to catch up and prepare for the next week. I have no choice but to receive grace right now y’all. I have found myself relying on David for meals, a clean house, and arms to hold me up when I can’t hold up myself. He has also provided a safe landing spot for all the times I had no choice but to collapse and rest. If you are someone I see or talk to often, you probably can testify that you just simply haven’t seen or talked to me much since August. This would be why. I need grace y’all! I am doing my best to make it through this school year in one piece. It’s looking good finally! I have made it to February and things are starting to feel a bit better. Work is still the most challenging it has ever been, but I’m beginning to reap the fruits of my labor. I have such a wonderful class and they seem to appreciate my presence in their lives more than any other class from years past. Spring semester of grad school will (I THINK) be much kinder to me than fall semester was. All I can feel right now is SO MUCH GRATITUDE. For all the grace poured out to me in my life, especially these last six months.

A quick {but exciting} update on our journey to parenthood:

So back in October David began asking me about making an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist to pursue further testing and begin the process of IVF. I was not prepared to hear this from him y’all. I knew in my heart that God wanted us to be parents, but I truly felt He wanted us to wait on HIM. I did not believe this included IVF for us. I just knew in my heart it wouldn’t be a part of our story. This was my first opportunity to apply giving grace, y’all. I failed the test with flying colors. I rejected David’s request to make that appointment and quite coldly, I might add. There were a couple of heated discussions that followed throughout the next month or so. Also, a growing tension began to set up shop inside our marriage once again. One evening, during one of those discussions, I felt another thought enter my mind that I knew was not my own- a tug on my heart. God was telling me to soften my response and make David feel loved and listened to, even if it meant making that appointment. I finally began to listen and apply what I had learned. I agreed to make that appointment, although I was in no hurry at first. I told David I would make it and added it to my endless to-do list, but I did not “move to position one.” It followed me around for three weeks or more y’all. In my defense, I had to get updated blood work from my doctor, request records and complete the online patient profile, etc. There were lots of steps in this process. Finally, one Wednesday afternoon (November 30^th, to be exact) I sat down at my desk at school and picked up the phone. I breathed deeply, spoke with a sweet receptionist and made an appointment for February 9^th, 2017. I hung up feeling good about what I had done. I knew David would be happy and would feel loved and prioritized as a result. And I want him to feel those things, y’all, with every fiber of my being, because he is all those things and so much more. I quickly finished my work for the day and went on home to spend the evening with him.

I don’t even know how to skillfully lead up this next part y’all.

It is beyond anything I can fully comprehend, but after nearly THREE YEARS of trying and praying so hard for a healthy baby and three losses, THAT EXACT NIGHT we received the answer to our prayers. God is so good to His children and I have seen sound evidence (by my scientific minded self) of His love and faithfulness, and His unique abilities to paint a beautiful picture from a lot of broken pieces. We are currently 13 weeks along, due in August with our first child. A BABY GIRL! We couldn’t be happier.