Part Two - And the Story Continues...

Before I begin part two of my story, I need to apologize for the insertion of this overly wordy introduction. You’ll also need to be patient with my lack of writing skills, as I am going to try my best not to, but cannot guarantee there won’t be a lot of rambling, hurried subject changes, and/or other feelings of disconnectedness inside this post and future posts. You may have noticed that my very first post was edited and revised in big and small ways about 47 times, AFTER I INITIALLY POSTED IT! I’m sure this one will be no different. Anyway, back on track to my wordy introduction. If you are reading this post and do not know me well, I am normally pretty quiet around people. I like to listen and offer support and advice when needed, but I rarely use my own story to be the teaching point for someone else’s. I guess I’m sort of like, who am I?? So I rarely share my stories. I used to think I was just being polite and letting others talk about themselves, and I LOVE HEARING OTHER PEOPLE’S STORIES. Just being polite, right? Maybe not. Recently, I realized that I might have just been scared. I learned a truth recently-- fully understood it for the first time. I learned that telling MY story, sharing who I am in Christ, is a big part of why I’m here. It’s why we are all here. There is a fundamental problem with this realization, however, because God created me as an introvert. I have always been not so great at reaching out and communicating with people. I used to be much better at it a few years ago than I have been lately, I think. A recent season of sadness and pain intensified my worst character flaws and made this particular personal problem so much worse. I became a person who never called, never texted, and I didn’t even reach out on Facebook very often. Facebook might be part of the problem. I get on Facebook, probably too much. I use it as a tool to creep on people rather than connect with people. I’m always creeping on the people I love, because I AM interested in their lives! Honest. See, it has nothing to do with my not wanting to reach out to the people I love, it’s simply that I enjoy time to myself (excuse) and (truthfully) I was feeling very scared and broken. I was feeling ashamed.

**Side note: I did fail to mention that I am married to the most extroverted human being on the planet. He keeps my social calendar pretty full! We have managed pretty well to merge our individual lists of “top most important people” that you prioritize spending your free time with (one of my all-time favorite authors, Shauna Niequist calls this the “home team”), but there are always a few of my special humans who aren’t on David’s list at that present moment, and I selfishly take what little free time David leaves in our calendar for myself.**

I needed to lick my wounds. I didn’t want to burden anybody with me.

I would end up realizing there were (at any given moment) about 5-10 people, whom I love dearly, that I hadn’t spoken to in MONTHS. Sometimes it was more than a year, y’all. I’m not proud of this. I am fully aware I needn’t rely on my husband to make initial contact with the people I love. Thank you God for David, because if it weren’t for him, I may not have connected with many people at all! I knew Facebook wasn’t enough. I will probably say more about Facebook later, but enough for now.

One lesson I learned in my twenties after losing my dear grandmothers and Great Aunt Marguerite, is that the more time you can spend with your “people” in this life, the better your life will be. And you really never know when you will run out of opportunities to spend time with these people. (The cliché “live every day like it’s your last” takes on a whole new meaning.) God gives us our people to love us and teach us things. As one of His people, it is your first calling in life to love others and teach them things. Sometimes the only way to teach the thing you need to teach is to get over your pride and be vulnerable and authentic. When two people share a mutual love for each other, respect for one another, and are both willing to learn from the mistakes of the other, I think true human connection occurs. Unfortunately, it seems as if this kind of spirit-centered connection is becoming more and more rare. I feel connecting with your people is where true happiness is found. Loving each other, hearing each other’s stories and learning from them in deep, meaningful ways is why we are all here. Mirroring our Father’s unseen love in physical, tangible ways as the body of Christ is why we are all here. Everything else is just secondary. I’ve also learned recently that connecting with people through happy, joyous moments is wonderful and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But when we choose to share our stories of pain, weakness, and vulnerability, we are able to connect with people on a supernatural level. These are the moments when we feel very much a part of something bigger than ourselves and we feel the power of a love everlasting. The love of our God.

This is how I know God wants me to share my story.

So just over two years ago, I found myself entering a dark and stormy season of life that caused the above mentioned character flaws to run rampant in my life. This particular season’s weather conditions included countless doctors appointments and blood draws, personality altering fertility medications, miscarriages, surgery, and intense physical pain that didn’t even come close to mirroring the magnitude of the emotional pain being inflicted by a deep, deep sadness and longing. This was a season I was unable to walk through on my own. I needed navigators, forecasters, trusted people I could turn to for MY SURVIVAL.

Luckily, I have an amazing flock of rock-solid humans that surrounded me in the storm and loved me through it, despite my lack of relationship skills. God knows all my weaknesses and loves me anyway. He loves me enough to strategically place people in my life who also know my weaknesses and love me anyway. Also, they are strong in those same areas I am so weak. He gave me people who are willing to reach out to me even when I am too selfish and scared to reach out to them. This is how God loves us.

So. Two years ago. Part one of my story left off just before this part began. I took the parapro job, a little bit bitter and resentful the entire year. Okay, I was a lot bitter and resentful. I felt I had made huge sacrifices to get to this point and it’s what God wanted me to do. Why didn’t He reward me with a job? Instead, I felt like I was being punished with more financial strain in my marriage. I was being punished by having to work in a classroom right next door to the teacher who was hired instead of me. She seemed…well, not so good at her job. Later, I heard that she didn’t even interview. I did. And my interview was BRUTAL. I was so mad about that. (Much, much later, I heard that this particular teacher is doing a wonderful job and that she, herself, was going through a very difficult time personally. I felt so guilty for judging her abilities and allowing myself to feel superior to her in that moment.) My bitterness and resentment toward God grew and grew as the teacher I was working with began going through her own personal struggles causing her to be absent a lot, adding to my responsibilities in that classroom. I was getting paid pennies. I sure didn’t want to have to work any harder than I had to. This was so not fair. I was teaching, lesson planning, all the headaches that actual teachers don’t get paid enough to do and I was getting paid the salary of a parapro to do them. This was the moment that I began to turn my back to God a little. I didn’t understand how He would allow this to happen. I took matters into my own hands and acquired a deep sense of determination. When jobs were posted that spring, I wrote and re-wrote cover letters, perfectly tweaking them all to ensure I got the job I’d been dreaming of. I didn’t want to admit it then, but my selectiveness was pretty severe. I really only had my sights set on ONE SCHOOL. I had two or three plan B schools I would have settled with, but there was really only one dream job for me. I wanted to teach at Chase Street School. I didn’t even really have words to describe why, I just knew that was the best school for me.

Jobs were posted a bit earlier than they had been the previous year and sure enough, there was one posting for Chase Street. I applied with the best cover letter around, but very little hope. You see, getting a job in this county had been difficult PERIOD, much less at the highest ranked school in the district! I knew no one at the school and knew that every teacher in the county probably wanted to teach there too. I didn’t think I would even get an interview. But I did. Lucky for me, David and I had been renting a tiny little house in the same neighborhood as the recently retired assistant principal of Chase Street. We had met about a year earlier at a block party. She was so kind and encouraging to me as I shared with her my job search story and how much I thought of Chase Street School. I’m pretty certain she got me that interview. God used her kindness and influence to get me that interview. I interviewed with two of the smartest, kindest individuals I had ever met. The principal and new assistant principal of Chase Street. I felt immediately connected with them and the whole school. I was hired on April 29, 2014 to teach second grade at my dream school. April 29 is mine and David’s anniversary y’all. What an incredible anniversary gift from God! I was feeling so encouraged but still needed to finish the current school year as a parapro. The teacher I was working with had given me the sweetest recommendation to the principal of Chase Street, playing an important part in my getting the job. I was humbled down to an incredible level by this, because I had spent the majority of the year blaming her, being frustrated with her for my having to work hard. She finished the year strong and showed me so much gratitude for helping her through such a difficult year. I’m realizing just how important it is to realize that my story is not the only story playing out right now. Every single one of us have such incredible stories of hope and perseverance. I wasn’t hired for this parapro position until a few weeks after the school year had started. The parapro I would be replacing had been working with this teacher for sixteen years and had been diagnosed with cancer the previous year. She worked until she couldn’t anymore, but insurance requirements prevented the school from hiring a permanent replacement until her short-term disability ran out and long-term kicked in. This sweet lady missed her job and would visit the classroom often to draw energy from the kids she had spent her life serving. She went home to be with Jesus later that year, but not before sharing the most incredible macaroni and cheese recipe with me. It warms my heart to think of her. The teacher I was working with barely processed her grief when she lost her beloved partner--I think because she had recently lost her own father, broken her arm needing to have surgery, and was supporting her teenage daughter through an unexpected pregnancy. That’s a tough year, folks. I can’t believe I was so selfish to only be thinking of myself during that time. I am so so thankful I was able to be there for her, even in the small way of her having peace-of-mind that her students were still getting a quality education in her absence. At the end of the year, she thanked me in the sweetest way. That helped balance out the bitterness still lingering in my mouth. Sweet things tend to do that. Through all this, I was really beginning to taste the sweet flavor of finally FINALLY being ready to expand our family. It kind of felt like crossing a finish line. I had no idea that the marathon of my life was only just beginning.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”                                                                    Hebrews 12:1-3