{When my Free Will Affects God’s Will For My Life}
A few days ago, I posted a status update on Facebook about
how I’ve learned to love my wait to becoming a mother. I have so much to say
about this, I’m not even sure where to begin!
I guess I’ll start with talking about the BIG THINGS of life. Before I begin talking about the Big Things that are happening in
OUR life, I want to first say that becoming a parent is by far the Biggest Thing,
next to accepting a personal relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. Very
few life events can be categorized with this particular Big Thing. In fact,
since I have not yet become a parent, I feel highly unqualified to even talk about
how Big this Thing is! I do have
parents. I’ve seen physical, emotional, even spiritual representations of how
much they both love me (and my other siblings). It’s a love that employs every
fiber of their being. They are both retired now and my siblings and I are all
(almost) in our thirties, which I consider to be the beginning of the busiest
years of a person’s life, nurturing careers and young children. It has been quite amusing to see this shift take
place inside our family. You know... the shift where children become busier than
their parents. Endless group text messages from my father are just a tiny
example of the entertainment I’m talking about here. Just one of the many symbols of his love for us!
I digress.
Anyway, I don’t know firsthand what it feels like to be a
parent, but I’m pretty certain becoming one is absolutely one of the Biggest
Things that can happen to a person. What I’ve discovered just recently,
however, is that other Big Things happen too. Things that are Really Big. Huge.
For me it has been:
1.
Following my husband to many different homes and
towns so he can discover who he is professionally.
2.
Beginning one career for myself (of my own
choosing) and then discovering 5 years in that God has actually called me to do
something completely different.
3.
Making the decision to go back (for FOUR years) and
finish my undergrad. as a married lady in order to claim this new career as
mine.
4.
Supporting my husband, and allowing him to
support me, as we grow and blossom professionally.
5.
Falling head over heels in love with a career that
only God could have imagined for me and realizing that I will never actually be
a stay-at-home-mom. (I used to think I needed to consider this option, and I
have nothing but love and immense respect for all my SAHM friends!)
6.
Realizing that God is using this career (I mold young minds as a 2nd grade teacher, but more on this later) to
transform my thinking completely — Turn it completely on its head. (The day you
realize that, as smart and capable as you think you are, without God you are
nothing, but with Him, you are everything?? Big Thing, y’all, Big Thing. Hard
to swallow initially, but once it’s down, it’s the most nourishing, life-giving
Thing ever.)
7.
Watching my husband fulfill God’s will for his
own life. This includes: starting a small business all by himself; working harder than I’ve
ever actually seen a human being work before; feeling so. much. love. knowing he is
working this hard for the betterment of our family; and standing in amazement
as he turns his small business into a not-so-small business by giving of
himself in countless, selfless ways. He is an incredible mentor to his staff, the younger generation, and everyone else in his life, really. He amazes me every. single. day.
8.
Wanting to be a mother SO BAD and feeling like I
am SO READY, but being told to wait.
9.
Hearing a still, small voice tell me to “be
fruitful and multiply" (Gen. 1:28) RIGHT NOW, despite not being pregnant. Huh?!?
10.
Realizing that “be fruitful and multiply” has
more than one meaning, and it’s the "other" definition God wants from me right now.
I know I subtitled this post “When My Free Will Affects God’s Will For My Life,” and I’m getting there. But what I actually should have called it is, "When God's Will Affects My Free Will and I Pitch a Fit About It, But Realize In the End, It's What's Best For Me." In all seriousness, all these Big Things that have been going
on in my life lately (4-10, I am referring to specifically), I believe, have
been choices David and I have made with our own free will as a result of
wanting to follow Jesus. We very easily could have chosen to stay in the North
Georgia Mountains instead of moving to Athens so David could continue pursuing a
career as a builder of fancy lake houses. I would have continued selling real
estate, and I bet we would have carved out a pretty nice living up there for
ourselves. (We are both extremely hard workers and are both as stubborn as they
come.) I believe that we would have started trying for children many years
sooner, had this been the direction we chose for our life. I also believe that
God would have rewarded us with children many years sooner, despite us missing
the callings he had laid out for us previously. I think people miss God’s
callings all the time. I am sure I have missed some along the way. (Don’t think
for a second I think I am holier than you just because I picked up ONE OF THE
MANY crosses Jesus has presented for me to carry.)
Children are a gift, a reward.
Scripture tells us so. I believe God wants good things for his children, even
when they don’t follow Him every opportunity they are given to do so. I believe
one of those Good Things is the conception of children and the birth of babies.
But here’s the thing — We chose to follow Him. We made
choices that were unbelievably difficult like going back to school, moving an
entire business and starting it all over again from scratch. We chose this
path. I realized recently that because of these choices, parenthood has to
wait. One of the reasons I listed all of those Big Things earlier was for my
own benefit. I need to read through them every time I am having a bad day. I
have to remind myself that I have enough Big Things going on in my life right
now and that God is using all of those Big Things to shape me to be more like
Him. He is shaping me into a better wife, friend, sister and daughter. He is shaping me into a better mother! For this I am so so grateful! I can’t even adequately
put it into words just how grateful I am that our future children get to be immediately blessed with parents who have experienced this kind of spiritual growth! I already love my future children with a mother’s love. I kind of already tasted it, as I have been
pregnant three times now. (More about our infertility journey later.) The moment a woman knows she is carrying her child in
her womb, she immediately begins sacrificing her own desires for the sake of
her child. She sacrifices so much without even batting an eyelash or even realizing she's doing it! It's an instinctual kind of love that mirrors the love of our Heavenly Father for His children. It’s an
incredible thing. God has shown me that this wait is going to make me a better
mother. That if I focus on the Big Things already going on in my life (and it’s
almost too much to keep up with at the moment), I am actually giving my future
children the greatest gift I could ever give them — a more fruitful me.
*Thank you Jesus for helping me realize this path I am on is right where you want me. Thank you
for being willing to explain it to me over and over again when my imperfect heart
forgets it all so easily. Thank you for the unbelievable blessings being
bestowed upon David and me and all the many answers to prayer. Thank you specifically
for answering my prayer to become a mother. All I wanted was an answer and you
did just that. You told me to wait. Knowing that answer came from you gives me
so much peace. Thank you for that. Thank you for giving me the courage to write
down my testimony so that I may “be fruitful and multiply” and produce more followers of you. In your precious name, Amen.*
Beautiful !
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